I haven’t been on here for awhile, I know.
If you’ve followed this blog of mine, you’ll know I began writing it the day after I had a heart procedure.
The plan…practice writing daily and become a better writer!
And I must say, I did succeed in that endeavour. I wrote my very first book, a memoir, and self-published it three years later.
I went through cancer and three jobs. I gained a massive amount of weight due to the cancer treatment and just as I began to take control a vehicle accident occurred leaving a back injury that has pretty much shut down much of my physical activities.
And it seemed for a time that the rains of hell had found me. At the end of this, depression ensued and engulfed me. Much of what I was writing had a victim / poor me mentality to it…and I loathe this attitude in myself.
Thus I did not share and my posts on this forum began to dwindle. Why should I post that which I despise about myself?
I have notebooks full of my pain. Pages are lovely things, are they not? They do not a question and you can express anything you want. It is your choice to share, and I just could not.
I have people tell me how remarkable I am, what a lovely person I am. And you know, it is strange to hear this and impossible at times to believe this as I look in the mirror decidedly disgusted with who I am at the moment.
Yet it is the love of my friends and family that has allowed me to develop this patchwork heart of mine. They can’t be wrong I insist to myself. I must live up to whatever it is that they see that I don’t.
I get that the last five years or so have been tough. And I could well wax poetic on the injustice of it all.
I won’t.
Physical pain has become a daily thing that I manage. And yet I still get to enjoy the sunrise and the turning of the seasons. I still have this wild imagination that is begging me to write the stories working through the passages of my mind.
I am blessed with the people that I call friends. And it for them and my family who encourage and insist that somehow I matter that I push on, that I will work to honour not only myself but all those who’ve given me their love to hold always and forever in my heart that I must respect and nurture.
This is what I need to get me through the day. All the mistakes and bad choices I’ve made recede. I’ll get through this.
And yes, at times I feel like I’ve failed yet again. But then I’m not even certain what it is I’m seeking other than some peace of my being.
To just say, I’m happy with who I am. I am complete. How good would that be?!
I’ve come close at times, or at least I thought I did. I work at being my authentic self, which I must say continues to reveal parts of me like that of an onion being revealed one thin layer at a time.
Still, gotta be honest to myself first and foremost. At times it is hard as I take in the world today. I remind myself that all I can do is walk through this world with the thoughts and ideas that may benefit who we are as a people and hope the love and appreciation I feel will spread.
I’m back. Coming out of the dark recesses of depression. Accepting once again that yes, I am a smart and genuine woman. Accepting that I am a loving and giving individual.
Yup. Well Namaste my friends.
Thanks for checking in, for following my ramblings. There will be more to come. Have no doubt. And always I look forward to hearing from you.
Cheers!
